oh how things change...they ALWAYS will...

...for this I am grateful.

So I've been reminded, yet again, of how much I've changed. I have now been to, yes, two hometown Aledo High School football games. I first went to Homecoming. This was more of a just sit and stare game. There were amazing memories, but almost so many that my brain just shut off and I sat there. It was a weird reflection, yet it was healing. It was nice to walk away that night and breath, saying "I'm glad I came, yet I'm so glad I'm not going to ever do that again (highschool that is)." People would always say that they wanted to forget high school, and I think that this feeling has been true for me just recently (granted, I don't really want this to happen). My feeling is two-fold:

1. My long relationship in highschool ended, we remained friends, and now it is a devastating story of mistakes, hurts, ultimately disappointment where we are no longer friends with any of the same beliefs that we had in high school. I have struggled with what to do with some of my most precious and cherished memories with a guy I truly, even now I believe, loved deeply.
2. I am not impressed with many of the things that I did or said in high school. Some I can remember, but most I've forgotten. I think my fear lies in the things that I've forgotten, knowing that they did not glorify, in any way, my Lord. I fear in that that I will not be able to show my "heart changes" well to my friends...afraid that they still won't see Christ in me.

I know that there are many lies in these feelings.

So Homecoming served a purpose in reminding me of a few of my most cherished memories and allowing me to place the others in their proper place and perspective. It was therapeutic, honestly.

The second game was this last weekend. We played Stephenville, our new rival. My friend Ashley is the sports editor for the Stephenville newspaper, so he came to cover his old hometown football team vs. his new home football team. A sign that we really are growing up. This game was more relaxed. I saw a lot of friends that I had not seen in 4 years and watched a pretty sad football game minus the great fight we put up in the first quarter. (it was similar to college football games for me :) ) This game was refreshing. I talked with a freinds' parents for a long time...his dad is terminally ill. We had a wonderful talk. I talked with an old friend that is 2 years younger than me. He loves the Lord deeply, and it was truly amazing to connect with him though the Spirit. He saw the deep changes and growth in me, and I saw them in him. It was incredibly encouraging.

So now I struggle with the fact that the lastest change has been college ending. This was my avenue and vessel to some of the greatest life changes - my church and my community of friends. We all seem to be in different places, but I am so delighted to see the eternal work that the Lord did on me through this time of college using this church and community. It is SO BEAUTIFUL! It takes my breath away to think of the fire that the Lord put me through in the last four years. Refinement...may it never cease...

I went to my small group tonight. I love these ladies, but as I admitted to them tonight, I can tell my heart is resisting new community, new church, and another period (season) of growth and refinement and ultimately (hopefully) change in my heart...

All of this to say that change is inevitable in the Body of Christ. We were designed to grow and be refined. Our hearts and souls are being molded. My heart was molded in high school and prepared for the DEEP refinement that college brought. This season will be no different in that it will bring about change...

I am grateful. I pray that I never cease laying it down (eventually) to be refined in the fire...

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end...I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." Ecc. 3:11,14

My life verse that is amazing Truth!

the light of the world

Today at the gym I noticed that a woman had a shirt with Scripture on it. I was encouraged to see it, but didn't think much past that. Then the same woman and I were headed to the same machine and I let her have it before me. She was very grateful. Later we passed and she asked me my name. We began to talk and she had a beautiful accent. I asked her where she was from - the Caribbean. She responded with "Where did you get so much life!?", and I said, "Well, I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior..." She smiled and said, "Yes, but He also has revealed His plan for your life to you...what IS your calling? Have you met the man you will share it with?..." I laughed and answered "No, I'm not in that season of my life..", and then breathed. What a refreshing sister she was. She affirmed the Spirit in me more than once, and you could tell that He was overflowing in her. It was beautiful. Her name is Astrid. I think that there will be more stories to come of my new friend at the gym...she was one of many blessings of the day...
:

for every season...

...God is so faithful...

It has been more than one blog could include when it comes to this recent transition. I have started my job, moved into my own apartment, joined a gym, found a church that I think that I may end up joining, found a great group of girls within that church that I can fellowship weekly with, gone through a distinct period of absolute numbness and now I have discovered (again) what a truly prideful person I am and have recently and continue to be broken by the Lord daily. I am grateful to feel again and to see my desperate need for the Lord by the minute. It has not been the easiest of trasitions but it has absolutely been one of the most peaceful transitions I've ever been through. For that I bless the Lord. His Spirit is rich and powerful.

I was recently reminded that my passionate, assertive, strong personality needs to be carefully packaged, because at times my personality can be very intimidating. This was reminded to me by a woman that I work with that dearly loves the Lord and challenges me on a daily basis. She would rather build my character that my work ethic. It is encouraging and hard all at the same time. In the midst of her reminder, I remembered that last year a friend had told me that I was very "sober" yet still passionate and that my countenance was really inviting. That was one of the greatest compliments I had ever received. So in hearing that I had regressed, my heart broke and failure came rushing to my heart. I was so grateful for a sister telling me in the Spirit what she saw in me, but I so disappointed in my regression and humbled at my weakness. I finally began to see that this regression was in response to my recent, difficult transition - it is a defense mechanism. It is a very obvious defense mechanism. So I have once again been reminded of one of my most prominent weakness - the way I package my passion. It is very difficult to learn the hard things about fallen self over and over again...it is very helpless...

When we are weak, He is SO very strong. I continue to learn this. I am thankful for my passion and my vision, for it is the way He created me, but He's always intended to refine both things and He is doing just that. Praise to my Savior, Jesus Christ!